The Unseen Burden Our Children Carry
They have measured themselves by some version of approval they hoped to earn
Young adults often live with a quiet ache that rarely gets voiced. Deep inside, they fear they have failed us simply because they cannot fit into some imaginary construct of what it means to be “successful” at their age.
Even if we don’t hold these expectations consciously, they feel them. They feel them because, for most of their lives, they have measured themselves by some version of approval they hoped to earn—from us.
That ache can make them distant. They seem guarded in our presence…all because of the shame they feel.
They long for the day they can stand on their own feet, make a name for themselves, and finally present themselves as someone who deserves your pride.
And as you read this, you may be thinking, “But I am proud of them.” Of course you are. That’s the heartbreaking part: they cannot feel it because they haven’t learned to give that acceptance to themselves.
And this need for approval? It doesn’t magically vanish after a certain birthday. I see it in my clients decades older—grown men and women still longing to win the approval of parents who have long since passed. The truth is that we often spend years searching for a validation that, at its core, can only come from within.
The shame they feel at disappointing you is real. It’s painful. It colors everything they do, often unconsciously.
For over fifteen years, self-worth has been at the heart of my work. I’ve witnessed the profound sadness of adults who never felt truly accepted or unconditionally loved by their mother or father. That is an extraordinary weight to carry through life.
If you are a parent and you want to ease this burden, it begins by turning inward.
It begins with offering yourself the same compassion and acceptance you wish for your children. Learning to love yourself beyond your titles, achievements, appearance, income—or any other measure of worthiness—creates a different kind of blueprint for them to follow. Who are you when the striving falls away? What did you once sacrifice in order to fit into someone else’s definition of success?
This work is not about giving up your career or your goals; it is about knowing and liking yourself regardless of them. When you show up as someone who loves themselves simply for existing, your children can finally see that possibility for themselves.
Our children already have everything they need to thrive. Think back to those moments when they lit up simply by being themselves. When their soul felt perfectly aligned with their life. They don’t need to contort themselves into shapes that were never meant for them—those molds that drive them into numbing behaviors, unhealthy relationships, perfectionism, or chronic shame.
And this generation has more opportunity than any before to make a living from their passions and talents. They can move quickly, think creatively, and change course when something doesn’t suit them. But to take those courageous leaps, they need the freedom to fail without fearing they will lose your love.
When they feel accepted as they are, they gain the inner permission to stop hiding from you, from discomfort, from the ghosts of judgment they have internalized. They can take risks and grow, knowing they are not defined by every setback.
Ultimately, all of this comes down to one simple but powerful truth: they love you so much that the mere thought of disappointing you can send them into paralyzing patterns of fear, avoidance, and self-doubt.
And all they want—more than they can often say—is to return home to themselves knowing that you will always welcome them, just as they are.
Erin
How To Work With Me:
I work with adults ages 20-90+ | If you saw yourself, or your child, in this letter, please click here for more info on coaching with me.
Erin Matlock is an internationally acclaimed coach known for her integrative approach that draws CEOs, media personalities, New York Times bestselling authors, elite athletes, and high-profile entrepreneurs. She specializes in guiding clients through intense transitions and periods of rapid personal and professional growth.
She is the founder of the global conference, BRAIN SUMMIT, and serves as an advisor to innovative brands in the transformational space.
Erin is the author of Worth It, a powerful collection of her viral poetry and essays. A life member of Mensa®, she is also a conceptual artist whose paintings hang in private and public collections in the United States, Canada, United Kingdom, Italy, Japan and France.